Never Satisfied Syndrome

When I was growing up, I was pretty overweight. I mean, I was fat, but I played sports so it was a weird disguise to being overweight because I could hit a ball to the other field and then run the bases. It was junior year of high school for me when a lot happened. First, I came out as gay, which there were like me and a couple others, but it was not accepted with overwhelming joy by my peers. Second, I lost about 70 lbs., which was pretty cool. I completely changed my eating habits and worked out in my parents basement (I was 16 and very intimidated at the thought of a gym) on a treadmill with 45 min walks almost every day until I could build up stamina to really start running. Other than that it was just a couple dumbbells and sit ups.

Fast forward to me today. I’m 33, knocking on 34’s door, and I’ve had my weight fluctuate ever since losing that 70 lbs. in high school. I lost that weight and I was a bean, just no muscle, but much healthier. I went to college and used more weights, but didn’t know what I was really doing. I gained the freshman 15, lost it, gained it, lost it, etc. I lived on my own in a big city at the age of 21, lost weight from college, worked out a lot trying to figure everything out in life. I started really working out hard at 25. By 31, I was in the best shape of my life, but it was at a high cost of three hours a day, seven days a week (maybe six if I was being nice to myself), multiple injuries, and no other hobbies.

At 31 years old, I had quads that could bust through a pair of pants and I constantly had people asking me if I worked out or commenting on my body looking strong, great, what have you. Every day I woke up and still wasn’t satisfied. I often looked at my body and thought, ‘I’m still so chubby’, or ‘I’ll never look like (fill in the blank of any athlete that had six pack abs and genetics that I never would have because of so many reasons).

I was and still am not satisfied. I have a daughter and recently asked myself why? I don’t want to share this belief that your body is not beautiful, when it really is, and when there may be a touch of some sort of dysmorphia/self-criticism for whatever reason. I have recently compared photos of myself two years ago, leaner and more muscular than I am today. I feel fat, but am I actually fat? No, I know I’m not, but I’m not satisfied. I was satisfied yesterday, but not today, maybe will be tomorrow, but might not be by Friday. It’s a battle to not pick myself apart every day in the mirror, but I know it is something I’m actively working on and really need to change. Who writes the script for the ‘perfect’ body anyway when there are so many different, beautiful, unique types of bodies out there? What is the measure of a good body? Is it that kind of gangly model with not much muscle or is it the super muscular athlete all of which have been air brushed and photoshopped no doubt to some extent.

Don’t compare yourself to your old self or others, but focus on staying healthy with choices and activity and you no doubt are doing a great job. The scale, the photos, the constant criticism should be silenced and you should focus on the capabilities, strengths, and amazing feats you can accomplish every day, no matter what those may be.